Childhood ghost

When I was a little I was told several stories about imaginary ghosts that could kidnap the parents when their kids did something terrible.

The stories have one thing in common:

“Don’t fight your parents, don’t fail your parents, don’t embarrass your parents, because every time you make your parents sad, the ghost will try to take your parents away from you.”

I was so scared by the idea of losing my parents. So I obeyed because I didn’t want to fight my parents. I suppressed my emotion because I didn’t want to embarrass my parents in public. And I studied because I didn’t want to make my parents sad because of my bad scores.

Even though the idea of the ghosts kept haunting me in my day to day activities, those stories also made me behave better than average kids in my age. 

—– * —–

When I get older, the ghosts are different. 

The demons that I used to imagine no longer exists. However, they change their forms into regret, loneliness, self doubt, and uncertain future.

And though I may be older and wiser, I still find myself haunted by imaginary concepts that limit the way I do things. 

I think a lot of people out there share the similar experience. 

Sometimes I wonder why we can’t fully get rid of our fears. Is it because it is realistically impossible to be totally fearless? Or is it because we actually need the right amount of fear? Just enough fear, to remind us that we still have something to protect. Something that we don’t want to lose, like dreams and family.

Because if it’s true that we actually need some amount of fears. No wonder we keep creating our new “ghost” after defeating the old ghost.

 

A talk about 28

A talk about 28

I remember in my early 20s, my English tutor Jack shared his story about life at 28. 

“It sucks” he said to sum up his whole story.
Jack seemed very burdened with all  the things happened in his life. Well he was shabby, a bad alcoholic, a sleepyhead, and on his penniless days, an English tutor. He was probably the last person you would ever trust to get a life inspiration. 

“At the age of 28”, he said, “you are expected to have a settled life, with a settled job, with a settled family, and also with a settled place to live.”
He seemed very depressed. It was worsened by his girlfriend’s parents that urged him to get married as soon as possible. I knew from all the things he just mentioned, literally none of them he got under control.

“It’s hard to have a settled life when you don’t event know what your purpose is. It’s hard to have a purpose when you don’t even have a clear values. And how can everyone expects me to have everything figure out in this early age.” Jack continued.

“Time flies so fast. When I was your age, it seemed this day is still so far ahead in the future. And then now everything feels like happening all of a sudden.” added Jack while rubbing his forehead. 

It was hard for me to feel the empathy toward his story. I didn’t think any of my classmates can feel relate to his story as well. We were simply too young for that.

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She is Alpha

She is Alpha

I call her Alpha Majoris, a name after the brightest star in the night sky. I use that name as my admiration to constellation and celestial objects.
We’ve been close to each other for almost 2 years now, precisely since we decided to watch Zedd’s concert at the end of 2019.

Unlike the previous woman that I used to date, this time I haven’t posted anything even though we’ve been together for a while now.

I don’t know why..
Maybe because I’ve been busy with work and some trainings which are quite frequent. Maybe because the previous story didn’t end perfectly. Or perhaps, I simply want to keep this relationship private for myself and those in our closest circles. 

We agreed to not putting any label on our relationship, but yes, we are mutually exclusive. For us, labels in relationship are overvalued. Labelling relationship doesn’t necessarily make one in a committed relationship. In fact, it can make one ended up trapped in a mere formalities.

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Maudy Ayunda – Goodbye

Baby I’m Leaving
Can You Tell Me Now
Will You Love Me Still

Baby I’m Trying
I’m Holding Back The Tears
Don’t Wanna Let You Down

Cause The World Is So Much Brighter When You’re Here
Even California Weather Wouldn’t Heal
The State Of Missing You

Goodbye
For Now It Is Goodbye
Cause My Dream Is Out There On The Other Side
Goodbye
So Hard To Say Goodbye
And I’ll Text You In The Morning
I’ll Call You Every Night To Say Hello
Hello, Hello

Baby I’m Leaving
Can You Hold Me Now
Soon I Have To Go

Baby I’m Trying
I Cant Hold Back The Tears
Don’t Wanna Let You Down

Cause The World Is So Much Brighter When You’re Here
Even California Weather Wouldn’t Heal
The State Of Needing You

Goodbye
For Now It Is Goodbye
Cause My Dream Is Out There On The Other Side
Goodbye
So Hard To Say Goodbye
And I’ll Text You In The Morning
I’ll Call You Every Night To Say Hello
Hello
Hello

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Lingkungan Twitterku

Lingkungan Twitterku

Setelah sekian lama ingin menuliskan artikel tentang keahlian akhirnya kesampaian juga. Malas menjadi alasan utama kenapa kenapa niat menulis ini selalu ditunda, hingga hampir lupa bahwa niat itu sempat ada. Selain itu mood juga menjadi alasan lain susahnya memulai menulis artikel ini. Mungkin karna biasanya hanya menulis artikel kasual, jadi agak aneh kalau mau memulai tulisan yang “semi serius”.

Ngomong-ngomong tentang mood, artikel ini pun sebenarnya buah mood saya yang berantakan minggu lalu tapi baru sempat di proses lagi dua hari belakangan. Pendek cerita, akhir pekan minggu lalu seharusnya saya sudah memulai kehidupan baru di tanah yang berbeda. Tapi karna kasus corona tiba-tiba meroket dua hari sebelum keberangkatan, alhasil batalah keberangkatan saya waktu itu.

Di tengah kekesalan tersebut saya teringat dengan buku “Yang Belum Usai”. Di buku itu dikatakan bahwa emosi negatif yang berlebihan bisa menjadi luka batin yang berbahaya bagi psikologis kita dalam jangka panjang. Salah satu cara yang disarankan untuk mencegah luka batin ini adalah dengan dengan meneruskan energi negatif tersebut kepada kegiatan yang lebih produktif.

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Lanterne festival De Paris 2019

Lanterne festival De Paris 2019

I think Lenterne Festival De Paris is one of the most memorable festivals that I’ve ever been to. I just love every idea about the festival.

It was located on seaside area, around 1.5 hours from the heart of the city. I personally love the experience of attending festival on the seashore. The sea breeze and the sound of waves created a chill and comforting ambiance that is very “Jogja”.

The concert also played songs that intrigued us to reflect for what had happened in our country. The festival was actually held 4 months after presidential election, but the residue of the election was still very strong, polarization was still happening everywhere in that moment.

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I admire constellation so much

I admire constellation so much

I admire constellation so much. The idea of simplifying stars in the universe into some formations of constellation is so brilliant.

The facts that the starlight takes years of travel to get to our eyes reminds me that light itself is a part of history. Isn’t it crazy that the starlight we see now has existed way before we were born and even some starlight might be way older than the age of our earth.

Thinking about universe makes me realize that we are just a tiny part of an infinite number. At the same time it also reminds me that we were all made up of exactly the same atoms that exploded billions of years ago. We were part of the biggest explosion of all time; the Big Bang.

So next time when you feel down, please look at the sky and see how magnificent the universe above us. And then remember, that you were too part of the biggest event in the universe, you are too part of the universe, you are too magnificent.

Img credit: pinterest

I’ve finally completed my degree

I’ve finally completed my degree

I’ve finally completed my degree!
After 3 long years of my study, countless sleepless nights, countless time of studying, making mistakes, facing failures, feeling down, anxious facing my advisors, worrying about well everything, and bunch of other stupid shit I have finally completed my degree.

It took me 1.5 years for taking theories in class and 1.5 years for doing my thesis. Yes it took me 1.5 DAMN years to finish my thesis, a looping process of finding literature, trying methods, making mistakes, facing failures, and accepting that I have to repeat the process all over again. 

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