I’ve finally completed my degree! After 3 long years of my study, countless sleepless nights, countless time of studying, making mistakes, facing failures, feeling down, anxious facing my advisors, worrying about well everything, and bunch of other stupid shit I have finally completed my degree.
It took me 1.5 years for taking theories in class and 1.5 years for doing my thesis. Yes it took me 1.5 DAMN years to finish my thesis, a looping process of finding literature, trying methods, making mistakes, facing failures, and accepting that I have to repeat the process all over again.
I need an open space. The private one to be exact. Just me, myself, and nature. A place where I can’t sense anything. A place where I can talk to myself intensely.
I remember those days on the savanna. So calming, so relaxing, so far away from human activity. Just me and some folks who are trying to find tranquility in the nature.
Hi somebody please take me back to the savanna. I miss the feeling of being touched smoothly by the wind as I laid down in the middle of the grassland. I miss the feeling of breathing the fresh air and hearing the chirps of some birds around the trees. I miss the feeling of enjoying breathtaking views of green hills, blue sky and some clouds that totally on the same height with me.
Fiuh, it’s been a year from that moment huh.. I’m not sure if it’s like yesterday or a thousand year. I’m not even sure if this is appropriate to be shared or not, but ya, I’m gonna share this anyway.
Throughout my life, I was close to some girls, but many of which only ended up with small talks or coffee dates without further stories. Yes I was never in a relationship. Sometimes the reasons were on the women’s side, but most of the time, I was the main cause. I find myself quite easy to be attracted to girls but extremely difficult to be attached to them.
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mean to play around with those girls. In fact, every time I dated a girl, I always hoped that girl will be right one. The hopes always felt like that step will be the last step needed to get to the top of the mountain, or the last note that completes the whole harmony, or the final word that could sum up the entire story. I always hoped that that will be the end of the searching, that that will end well.
It was 30 minutes before the midnight when a chat notification came into my phone. I called him Cimeng, one of my best friends when I was in college. The name Cimeng in bahasa Indonesia means weed. My circle gave him that nickname because his face constantly looked like someone who was under drugs influence.
“Are you busy?” he asked.
I always knew, random text in the middle of the nights means he just experienced a bad thing. Most of the times the bad thing was related to his romance story. He kinda sucks in doing relationship.
“No mate, what’s up?” I replied.
“Well, it’s about the story I told you last time. Can I call you?”
Not long after that my phone rang, a voice call from him through WhatsApp application showed up on the screen.
He started to share his story about a girl he adored in the office. I knew he’d been approaching this girl quite long time, and I knew how much effort he had given just to get a single glimpse from the girl. It wasn’t very smooth, but he did it anyway.
Probably the best game my dad taught me when I was a kid was chess. The game was quite famous in my dad’s village. If in the afternoon I explored the alley where my grandparents live, I’d find some men were playing chess in front of their houses with cups of coffee next to them and cigarette on their mouths. I can say, it was a daily afternoon routine for the men around the village.
Since it was very famous, he introduced me the game quite early. I was in the second grade of elementary school when he came back home with a chess board in his bag.
It was a pleasant afternoon, a perfect time for kid to play outside and get some sweat. Boys usually chose to play some sports or kite or traditional games. While the girls on the other side, usually played cooking or jump rope.
That day was quite different for me. My dad called me from distance and then asked me to sit with him on the terrace.
I don’t know how to express how grateful I am to say goodbye to 2018. To be honest I have no regrets to look back on 2018. Although it wasn’t the best year, it taught me a lot about the importance of loving myself and the importance of being my true self. For me, it is the year of ‘Authenticity’.
2018 had been a year of embracing my imperfections and accepting the person I am. I found contentment in my journey and I’m grateful to be where I am now. I accepted myself wholeheartedly and I’m excited about growing to be my ideal self, not the ideal person of someone else. I stopped rushing for the next achievement to possess but to slow down and be fully present. I was slowly in tune with my feeling and realized that happiness is a journey, not a destination that I can rush towards. I started embracing my shortcomings and insecurities instead of surrendering to the dark voices in my head telling me that, I wasn’t good enough.
In a way where, my happiness was just so simple. Even a stupidity of false belief could bring happiness in my daily.
I remember when I was a kid, on 6th birthday my dad gave me a special present. Guess what, when other kids got a roller skate, PlayStation, or remote controller car, my dad gave me… a couple of CHICKENS. Yeah it was a rooster and a hen.
To be honest, I didn’t have a clear idea about the reason why my dad gave me a couple of chickens. At least the reason for why should it be on my birthday. Seriously, what kind of dad give his beloved son a couple of teen chickens on the special day?
Probably he wanted me to learn how to share love, or probably he saw my quality as a caretaker and visualized me to be an eminent breeder in the future.
From the way the chickens seeing each other I can say: those teen chickens were falling in love, ready to make a further commitment as a family. And I knew, I was the third wheeler in their relationship. Thanks dad, I learnt how to be a third wheeler since my early age. Pffttt…
We all have that experience, when things are so good and it is hard to believe. For example, you got an SMS about winning a million dollar door prize from unknown number. Or you find something in online store, it claims as the lowest price in the world for great quality while actually it’s only a fake product. Or, someone that out of the blue treats you so nice, while actually they are just buttering you up.
There are a lot of similar experience happened throughout our lives. Well experience makes us learn. And after several times trapped in that kind of illusive situation, I slowly realize that good always follows bad, and vice versa. Just like Yin Yang, light and darkness always complete one another. So if there is an extreme goodness, something will surely go wrong.
Now I have a very strong intuition for things that smells very fishy. And every time I face with similar position, I’d rather have a second-guess for the worst thing that probably happened. Well, even dawn comes after the darkest. So I decided to only believe in effort and reputation. If I want something great, then work for it.